Yes, that can happen, but to some mothers, that impenetrable bond happens slowly and quietly, but just as intensely.
I imagined I would be the first kind of mother. The one who sees her baby, reaches down to pick up the gooey, squirmy mess and bellows out with love, "My baby! How I love you so!!"... A contorted face flushed with pain, relief, and utter joy would kiss the slimy babe head to toe and swoon over her new addition for hours.
But, I was not that mother.
When I gave that last push and felt you slide out of my body, I held you close, studied you silently, and my soul filled with respect. Of course I had love for you, and I always, always will, but at that moment- when I thought I was supposed to be overcome with flowery love- I was overwhelmed with respect and awe instead. We had just accomplished an amazing journey together. The first of many, and one that left us both sore and bruised, but strong.
It wasn't until later that I started feeling that deep ache in the bottom of my stomach. The powerful feeling of lovesick.
Fleeting moments started to take my breath away and when the moment passed I realized I had just fallen a little bit more in love with you...
The first time I was alone with you while your daddy took a shower, we stared at each other for what could have been days. I never blinked.
The contended sighs you would heave while you sank deeper into my cradled arms.
Those first smiles you gave your dad that would make his heart shatter right before my eyes. I've been trying to perfect that move for years, and here you come, gracefully swooping in and stealing his heart away from me in mere days. It's okay, I'll let you have him.
When you stroke my back while I feed you.
When you greet me with a grin every morning.
When I catch a peek of you alone with your daddy and he just can't resist kissing you softly before he gets you ready for bed.
Even watching you sleep makes my heart swell.
All of these moments, sprinkled with so many, many more, are what feed my burning love for you.
I hope you never feel absent from my love, my darling. If you only knew how many tears have spilled onto my pillow while I thank God for you every single night.
I'll write you these letters so you will always know...
My love for you grows slowly.
Peacefully.
Deeply.
And it never, ever stops.
Photography by Leah Islinger Photography
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